Branta Canadensis (Brown)

I was having trouble coming up with a brown post. Then the answer was delivered to me. I was leaving work early on Wednesday to go study for a final. As I was leaving I was confronted by some Branta Canadensis. There they were, grazing in the field right beside the parking lot, honking and shitting and driving me into an a state of rage that I am not even sure my ex-wife was able to produce. I didn't realize it was that time of year already.

Seriously, the sight of those brownish winged devils makes my teeth hurt. I start to see red. All I want to do is take a golf club and perform a miraculous killing shot, a la Tripp Isenhour. It was horrible to read about what he did to that poor hawk. But if he suffers the same ill sentiments toward that bird as I do toward those wretched migrating shit machines, I guess I should not be alarmed at his actions. I would love nothing more than to see the whole flock lying on their sides with blood flowing freely from their nostrils, as they slowly fade into oblivion.

I know that as the weeks pass, at least one pair of these little waddling, honking harbringers of hell are going to nest on a retaining wall right beside our parking lot. While they are in residence here, I know that everyone that walks anywhere near where they are is going to get chased and honked and hissed at. We are all in for a few months of utter annoyance. People will go out of their way to avoid them and will still get attacked either by air or by a lumbering, waddling charge, just for walking to their cars. And we have no recourse because they are protected by the Federal Migratory Bird Act of 1918.

Really, what purpose do these birds serve? Can't I just kill a few? All I want to do is flay them alive, then start to roast them while they are still breathing. Just one. Is that too much to ask? I'll never ask again, if they would let me get just one of them. I 'm sure if they let me, I would lose a lot of my anger issues associated with this particular species. It's just like when I play hockey and hit someone. I got them back, so I don't feel the need to hurt them anymore. Perfectly, logical.