Giving of One's Self
I was having a conversation with a woman today and I was surprised at the way it went. Not because I should have been surprised or the direction it took surprised me. I was surprised by the thoughts it provoked. We were discussing dating. For some reason, some of the women I work with are extremely comfortable around me. This one is one of them. While discussing dating, the subject of farting came up. She was telling me about how she was laying in bed at her boyfriend's house. He got up to go into the kitchen to get something to drink and she had to fart. She figured if she was going to do it, that was the time because they were going to be under the sheets together for the rest of the night. I understand being courteous where bodily functions are concerned, but she was mortified that he may have heard her fart when he was walking away. She was also afraid she might "scare him off" by being herself when they were doing competitive activities (bowling, mini-golf, video-games). She is the type of person that will joke about beating you, or rub it in a little. She is not sure how he would take it.
Now this is where the surprise occurred. I am slightly old-fashioned when it comes to relationships. I don't chase women like most men seem to now-a-days. I keep my eyes, ears and heart open, just in case an intriguing woman comes along. But, it's just not a priority for me right now. I enjoy getting to know someone well enough to feel completely comfortable before sleeping with them. I was thinking to myself, how can you be comfortable enough to have sex with someone and sleep with them, but not be comfortable enough to be yourself around them. I don't judge people just because they are not as old fashioned as I am. But, it is really hard for me to understand how people can share such an intimate experience without being comfortable with one another, first. Don't get me wrong. I believe in kicking the tires and taking a test drive before you buy the car. Or, taking a tour of the house before you sign the contract. Or whatever other analogy you like for sex before marriage. But, I just don't understand how you can enjoy the experience fully without being completely at ease and comfortable with your partner. And sex should be comfortable and much, much more. If you can't be yourself, what is the point?
posted by Larry @ 3:34 PM
12 Comments:
I think people are just afraid of being TOO human around their partners... they want to be seen as something desirable and attractive, and something that farts is not perceived as such. Of course this could mean that they are a little insecure about their attractiveness, but I think it is only natural. Even if you're not around your romantic partner... most people still don't want their friends or family members to hear them fart either. Unless you're the Simpsons or something. :)
And I'm sorry, but I just gotta. A woman is not a house or a car. You shouldn't have to test her performance before signing the deal. Good sex should never be a criterion of whether or not you're going to marry someone. Rather, good sex is a result of a happy marriage, not a cause of it.
Why be afraid to be "too human"? That is the question I am baffled by. I understand wanting to seem desirable, but people's imperfections are what endear them to me. Human is what I fall for, not the show that someone puts on.
As for the "a woman is not a car or house..." I agree. I was not just referring to a man testing before buying. As for sex being part of the criteria on which I base my decision, I do base my decision on all parts of the equation. I have had good sex and I have had bad sex. I will let you know if it is something I am willing to give up, if it comes down to that. I hope if I ever meet the right woman, it isn't an issue. :P
I don't think I would be turned on by a fart, but we never know, until we have experienced it. (I do not look forward to it) The thought of making love in the smell of a fart turns me off. I can understand Your friends thoughts, or lol I can imagine the smell aura, when they are playing around under the sheets.
No no under those precious moments I prefer a clean fresh body odour. I am aware of that in other cultures it might have different meanings, but in mine it is all about respect, affection and love. Farting is not to show the other respect. If You got time to think about it, You also got time to go to the bathroom, so he doesn't have do stand the smell, during the whole night.
btw
Sex is something that only improves by the years with the same partner. Great sex is about intonating the other, to see the other from within. It is time-consuming. can't be done over a night.
Judging an other human being upon the act of sex, is pure technical, coz You are always two, why judge the other, and not yourself? Maybe, You haven't played on all her strings? And she hasn't tuned in You, yet. No music has been created, yet. A band or an orchestra takes years before they are in tuned to each other.
Never judge a relation to become upon one person, because relations always is a constellation based on more than one.
Play it again! ;-))
Ah, you two both focused on the fart. :)
The fart was not the point of the story. I just think if you are comfortable enough to have sex, you should be comfortable with the other person hearing your natural bodily functions. I'm not advocating farting under the covers by any means. You could excuse yourself to the bathroom ,and it could still be loud enough to be heard.
As for placing the blame for bad sex on one person, I never would. But if both of you don't work well together, sometimes it doesn't get better. Other times it is completely amazing from the very first time and all you have to do is learn the other person's personal favorites. Then, there is the sex that can start out horribly, but as you learn one another end up good. I have yet to experience that version, but I have been told by several people that it does. I will choose to believe them. ;)
I wouldn't say a 'turn-on', but if a girl is comfortable enough around me to fart/burp/say stupid stuff, etc. then it is a HUGE deal for me. I've had my fair share of relationships, and some of the girls i've gone out with were so uncomfortable about some things, that it was a huge turn off... i'm very comfortable with myself, and i have a tendency, as you know, to get comfortable with people very quickly and that allows me to be myself around most people that i meet within a short period of time that i know them. I really feel like the girls i've liked the most have been the ones that are able to do the things around me that they wouldn't do around anyone else.
and speaking of the 'bad' sex, beautiful friend girl and i had a not-so-good night a few weeks back, and instead of getting weird about it, we just joked about it and it was funny, like, i've had good nights, bad nights and BAD nights, and most of the bad ones end awkwardly. this one for some reason though, it was fine. we laughed if off and then i had my way with her again.
also, you left out 'why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.'
Mark, you have a tendency to get comfortable a little too quickly. :P
Seriously though, I'm right there with you. Like I said, it is those quirks that endear someone to me. I either like you more or I like you less, for those imperfections. If I like you more, great. If I like you less, we're not going to work out anyway.
"we focused on the fart"
I can only speak for myself
but when I read a post that has multiple (magnitude of?) treads of possible discussion areas in a foreign language.
I have to focus on one subject, if I don't I write a lot, lot more ... but, You won't be able to read it, due to my Swenglish.
Sometimes I came back on the same post, to focus on an other path. This time I came to "talk" about the conversation and the reason behind talking "fart-topics" with You. But, I wont now when I realize that the title of Your post was misinterpreted by me.
But, I might be back on the ongoing topic about sex and imperfections.
(( kram ))
I think we all choose to focus on what draws our attention. I'm sure if I were able to read other languages I would focus on singular points even more than I do. I have found myself reading posts, then leaving, and finally going back to reread it after I have given myself time to think it through just to see if the point I thought was being made, was really being made. For me this post was about boundaries and the order in which we cross them. The beauty about reading and writing is that things can be interpreted many different ways.
Hugs to you, too.
I know I'm late on this conversation, so forgive me, but I'd like to put in my two cents, if that's okay.
I can understand why she didn't want to fart. First impressions and all that. However, I agree with you, in that it's an interesting conundrum we find ourselves in as a society where it's all right to sleep with a relative stranger, but not admit to those aspects of ourselves that make us more human.
It's especially hard as a woman because society and media have given us completely unreasonable expectations to which we are supposed to rise.
Sadly, men may feel that they want a "real" woman, but it doesn't usually come across well when the media is telling us they want chicks that have big tits and perfect asses who are easy and perfect. Perhaps if men became more vocal about what they really want, media would be forced to change.
Anyway - this wasn't meant as a bash against men or a soapbox stand on the problems with today's society.
I think the difference between a good relationship and a great relationship is how quickly a person feels comfortable. I know in my present relationship, there was no "I'll have a salad" phase. I was very clear on "I am who I am and if you don't like it, well, it's be fun but don't let the door hit your ass on the way out." Mossy was the same way. NO sevrets, no skeletons, nothing to be ashamed of. I love him for who he is, warts and all. He feels the same way. I think that makes the difference.
Oh and as far as the sex before marriage. I have been in a marriage where the sex was awful (when it happened) and I have been in a marriage where the sex is great.
It does matter and yes, it does get better over time. However, I can honestly tell you that I would not have been nearly as interested in my husband if the sex had not been great from the outset.
So, here's what I got out of your comment P-Shag; Mr. Stone has warts and the sex is horrible when you actually get some. Is that the gist of it, or am I off base? :P
I understand why women feel the need to hide their "human" side. But, because I am who I am, it is hard for me to grasp being comfortable in someone's bed before I am comfortable in their presense. It actually surprised me when I realized that was the way that I am. Because I have been bombarded with the imagery for years myself, and I know what it is like to be a bit insecure. For some reason though, sex as a relationship ice-breaker still boggles my mind.
I'm with you on that, my friend (the sex as an icebreaker being weird).
As for Mossy having warts and bad sex? You may want to re-read that one again.
Though I imagine you're trying to entice my hubby into actually blogging and reading blogs again. That may be a bit difficult as he just got a nifty new job and is very busy right now.
However, I will direct him to your comment. ;)
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