Preparation...
The owner of the private investigation firm I used to work for had a saying. He would say, "Guys, you need to use the five P's." The five P's stood for: Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance. I thought I was prepared for something that happened to me yesterday afternoon. However, sometimes things just don't go as well as I think they should. I thought I was prepared. I wasn't.
A little less than a year ago, I put myself in a bad situation. I had no control over the outcome and was forced to accept the way things went. Now, almost a year later, the eventuality of the situation caught up to me. St. Louis is one of the biggest small towns in the world. You can't hide from anything for too long, here. Not that I was trying, I accept the consequences of my actions. But, I was hopeful that I would only have to deal with the nagging emotions-anger, guilt, helplessness, sorrow, pain, sadness-on my own. Never having to be put in the physical situation, again. In my experience, emotions dull over time. Unless, of course, they are brought back to the surface. Yesterday, the whale came to the surface for air. It hurt quite a bit. More than I thought it would or even could.
Steph, thanks for listening last night, as you always do. I know there are certain things I could possibly do. And, the legalities that we discussed last night are the least of complications for me. But, some of the consequences of those actions are a little too harsh, even if the reality of them may turn out better than I think they would. But, the fact that there is more at stake than my self, and it might turn out worse than I imagined, I feel as if I have to let it be. As with every difficult decision, this one has been pulling me apart. For the better part of a year. Is it cowardice to leave it be? Is it brave? I don't think I will ever know for sure.
I thought I was prepared.
The Thought of You (7-22-08)
I think about you
More often than I want to admit
And the thought of you
At once, makes me smile
And crushes my heart from the weight of it
When I met you
I was happy and I was terrified
And the thought of you
Was an angst-ridden joy
When I lost you, something in me died
Were you ever mine
I know that it was possible
And the thought of you
When that enters my mind
Is a biting wind, and my heart an empty hole
Hopefully, someday
There will be another or more
And the thought of you
I know will never leave
Just the thought of you, has struck at my very core
posted by Larry @ 5:29 AM
5 Comments:
Dude, don't know what's really up, but know you're not alone. *Hugs* Love ya, Larry.
I love you, kid. Whatever you need, you know I'm there.
Deep breaths.
P-Shag: Mossy can tell you, he and I exchanged some emails today. And, thanks. Just one of those hard moments. We all have em.
Steph: You know me. I'm never afraid to ask for it. I just needed to let it out last night. It was one of those "damn that was worse than I thought it would be" things. I'm a lot better about it now that I've had a whole day to stew it over.
I promise the next one will be a bit more upbeat. After all, it's a holiday weekend and I get to recharge my batteries down on the farm. Who knows what sort of jobs my dad is going to have for me this time. I know we'll get to at least work on a couple of old Mustangs. That is always fun.
I'm not sure what to say, other than you'll be in my prayers. Everyone deserves peace of mind. And I know sometimes it seems hard to find it. *hug*
Been there, done that. It always happens when you least expect it, too. Like when you're having an awesome day, and the sun is shining, and you're looking forward to something -- then BAM!!! And you're left asking yourself where the hell that came from, and why it had to happen on what was such a great day.
At least you have enough breathing room that hopefully it doesn't happen again for a long, long time, if at all. I've been lucky as of late, but part of me can't help but wonder when I'll let my guard down and get smacked in the face with that reality again.
And by the way, I can't believe it's already been a year. But you have so much more going for you now, you've made a ton of progress! I'm proud of you. :)
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