I Need To Recenter
And cannot figure out how.
Yesterday really threw me off. I am not where I want to be in life. That has been a constant for most of my adult years. But, it has seemed to me that since I got divorced four years ago I have been headed in the right direction. The problem is that even though I have felt like after years of making poor decisions and working my way out of them, now that I seem to be making the right ones I still feel stuck in a bad situation with no end in sight for the foreseeable future. And no effective way to change my circumstances and keep headed in the direction I want to go. So, my dilema is, do I keep moving in the direction that I am moving or do I change it yet again and see if that helps?
Lately I have been asking myself this question and yesterday really made me have to examine it. I really can't ask my friends and family what they think, because I know what they think. Their thoughts are very valid. They know where I have been, where I am, and where I am going. But, knowing what they would say, only confuses me more. I just don't know how long I can keep going the way I am. In some ways, it was so much better before. In other ways, it was so much worse. I had so much more freedom, but I didn't have the control over my life to use it. Now, I have control of my life, but I am confined to small steps. I don't know which I prefer.
I am a very patient person. My life has made that a requirement for keeping my sanity. But, every once in a while, the light at the end of the tunnel gets obscured somehow. Right now, I can't see it.
A night out with friends last night, although very fun and thanks to Steph, very free, did not help. When I woke up the cloud was still there. I avoided everything and everyone today and went out to play hockey tonight. That didn't help either. My one last great hope for the weekend is when I go to coach tomorrow afternoon. If that doesn't set my head on straight, I have to go back to work in the wrong frame of mind. That will make how I am feeling right now so much worse.
If I had any money, I could take a trip somewhere and relax and recenter after finals this week. But, I don't and my other very few, normally effective options for personal healing haven't done the trick. I need something unexpected to lift me up soon, or I just might have to make a change that I really dread to get me out of my funk. It just seems to me that the only choice I have will put me in reverse. But, that is a different direction and it might just be what I need. One step back, two steps forward, repeat?
Maybe if it snows tomorrow my outlook will change.
posted by Larry @ 11:29 PM
5 Comments:
Can I suggest a goal journal? I'm not good at keeping them but I've been told that they really do help.
Essentially the idea is to take a moment out of every day to write down your goals. They encourage writing down the small ones too, like "wash the car" or "clean the bathroom" and not to only focus on the larger goals like "become a superhero". Then you mark them off when they've been completed.
It's supposed to help give you a sense of accomplishment AND to show you what goals are important to you in the long run. Since you write down goals everyday, some of them will obviously be in that journal for long periods of time before being completed. But some of them may present themselves as not being as important as you once thought when you start to see it on paper every day.
Anyway, just a suggestion. I'm sure you'll see that light again soon...
I have actually told Steph to do the same thing. It is a great idea, but not for me. I am still working toward my goals, it is just how I am getting there seems inefficient. There has got to be a better way. Finding it is what is getting to me. I can keep going the way I am going, it is just getting really frustrating because of certain things that I can only change by taking a step back. I am very unsure if that is a wise idea, but I am almost to the point of taking that step just to see what happens. It could be a huge mistake or it could be a good decision.
I wish I had some relaly age advice for you, but I don't. Maybe if I knew what the "step back" and "small steps forward" were, I could comment on them.
I will tell you that there are always day where the light at the of the tunnel seems like it's never going to get here. It hink e've all felt that way. Perhaps what you should focus on is the fact that you have made several steps to reach it and you're going to get there, just perhaps not in the time that you'd really like.
Life is a journey, not a destination. Cliche, yes, but true nonetheless.
Who cares if it takes a long time to get to where you're going, as long as you're enjoying life along the way? Be proud of how far you've come, try to enjoy the time till you get to where you want to be and you'll feel far more fulfilled.
At least in my opinion.
And, hey, if you ever want to hash out some ideas, I'm GREAT at playing devil's advocate and helping to weigh pros and cons.
My advice is to re-read Tracie's comment, but replace the word "goal" with "goat". Cuz that is how I read her comment when I glanced at it. It makes less sense, sure, but I think a goat journal might be of more interest to you...
P-Shag, I am just wondering how I can afford to keep going to school and still have the time to keep going. That is the main thing. My job has taken a turn for the worse with a new management company taking over and making much worse decisions than the last people that were in place. It is getting harder to stay, money-wise and sanity-wise. Just trying to figure out if I can do it this way, or if I need to go back to more hours doing something else to make it work. But, that would slow down my school, which I don't want to do....
Steph, I already keep a goat journal.
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