Friday, February 29, 2008

Fridays With The Steph

So, Steph and I were talking on the phone and she said something. I started to laugh, then I almost swallowed my gum.

I coughed. Several times.

Then gasped, "I almost choked on my gum."

Her reply, "Oh God, Larry, don't let THOSE be your last words."

We both laughed harder. I managed not to almost swallow my gum, this time.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Black Is Just a Deeper Shade Of Gray


Is anything just black and white anymore? Is there just good and evil? Moral and Immoral? Or are there varying degrees of everything? The longer I live, the more it seems that even though I have an unmoving stance on an issue and know that I am right, someone else's stance may not wrong. Even if it is exactly the opposite of mine. And what about everyone else who have stances that fall somewhere in between? I can say I know I am right, because for me, it is right. If I did anything other than stand by my conviction, I would feel cheapened or hypocritical. I would not be able to look at myself as a good person. I will often give this one piece of advice to people if they ask me whether or not they are doing the right thing. As long as you can look at yourself in the mirror and be happy with the person staring back into you, you are probably making the right decision.

When I was younger, I used to believe that things were definite. Either right or wrong. I don't know when I changed. I have thought back and could not find any significant events that would make me change from the way I was to the way I am now. I often contemplate these things and find myself wondering if there is just black and white. Am I wrong? Should there only be one right answer? Anybody have any other ways of looking at life?

Funny that this news story got me thinking about these questions today. This isn't the first time I have thought about this and it won't be the last. But I figured it would make an interesting post for black. Throw some of you off a little.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

I Couldn't Have Put It Better Myself

I really just want to make a point of the quote here, not the man who said it or the context in which it was stated.

From Tony LaRussa when told by a reporter, "But that's not what most of us think."

Tony' s response, "...If I'm going to base the way I survive on everything that others think, I have no chance."

Amen, Tony.


Friday, February 22, 2008

It's More Of An Eggplant Really

When I was a newlywed, with a newly increased income, the future ex-wife and I decided to go out and buy a car. We had no idea what we were doing. After going from lot to lot to lot, we stumbled into Auffenburg Chevrolet in Kirkwood. By this time we had seen probably 10-20 cars that we had liked and were in our price range. I was partial to a Jeep Wrangler we had seen early on. However, I had always wanted a Jeep Wrangler for as long as I can remember, so I pretty much shut out the rest of the cars.

Then, Jennifer jumped out of the old '89 Cavalier and into our destiny. "That's our car! It's PURPLE!" she exclaimed loudly, right in front of the salesman that would eventually "talk us into" buying the damn thing. Biggest mistake you can make when buying a car? Anyone? Yep, tell the salesman that the pretty little thing that he has in his possession is something that you just have to have in yours.

From the get go, Jennifer wanted a sports car. And, her favorite color was, and probably still is purple. So, when she saw that 1996 Deep Violet Metallic Ford Mustang, knowing that Mustangs are one of my favorite cars ever, she knew it was going to be ours. Right after she knew, the salesman did too. No sooner had I opened my door and stepped out, we were on a test drive up Lindbergh to 40 to 270 to Manchester to Lindbergh to the salesman's desk to the contract to our parking lot in the French Quarter Apartments. What do you know, the woman was right. It was our car.

And, it was purple. Color code JU, of which only 4,769 were produced in 1996.

That car was with me from September of 1998 until last August, when I finally had to sell it for college money. It had been in 3 accidents(none of which I was in the car for), a move halfway across the country and back, and a divorce. When we did split up I took the car. It was the only thing I put up a fight for when we were seperating the "marital assets". Unless you count the dishes(and more dishes), but, really, that was something I fought for later.

Someday soon, I hope to own another Mustang. It will not be purple.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

The Other Team's Fan

The man whose office is next to mine at work is a huge Blackhawks fan. Every time the Blues and Hawks are about to meet, I hear about it for several of the preceding days. God forbid, the Hawks come away with a victory. I hear about it for several more days. This morning when I arrived at work, I had an email about "real hockey" coverage, with a link to a Chicago sportsradio station. It said something to the effect of, "If you want to hear real hockey coverage, check this out."

For those of you that are interested, here is my reply(it is all true):

It all started several years ago. A man and his friends attended his company's hockey night. As I recall it was against the once storied franchise, the Chicago Blackhawks. This man, we will call him Larry, was sitting in the crowd at the Kiel Center enjoying the game against his team's bitter rival. Not nearly as bitter as the Red Wings, but then again, the Blackhawks weren't nearly as good, either.

During that season, Taco Bell had introduced a promotion so that when the Blues scored 5 or more goals, all of St. Louis could receive 29 cent tacos the next day. Moments into the third period, Larry looked up and noticed that the Blues were manhandling the Hawks. It was something like 4-1. Knowing that his future ex-wife would not be cooking dinner the next evening (she never cooked dinner), Larry decided he wanted cheap tacos.

Larry started chanting, "WE WANT TACOS!" and clapping. At first, he was alone in his fervor for free fiesta food. Then some of his coworkers and friends joined in, "WE WANT TACOS!" *Clap. Clap. Clap, clap, clap.* Then the whole section joined in, "WE WANT TACOS!" Pretty soon, the whole arena, with the exception of the oft frustrated Blackhawks fans, were chanting in unison, "WE WANT TACOS!"

From then on, whenever the Blues score 4 goals, if you listen, you will hear the crowd work itself into a mexican munchy frenzy. Yelling, "WE WANT TACOS!" The only thing that can derail their taco madness, is a fifth goal. I was listening last night. Not only did I hear the chant. I heard it silenced, by a fifth Blues goal. How many did the Hawks score?

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

What In The Blue Blazes?!

According to, the term Blazin is defined as:

the act of smoking anything (usually an illegal substance)

guy1: what yall doin tonite?
guy2: blazin some of dat magic grass...wanna come?
guy1: hellz yea

Now guess what the official mascot for the American Lung Association's "Be Smart Don't Start" anti-smoking campaign for kids is called?

My friends, let me introduce you to, Blaze, The Braggin' Blue Dragon. "You can be smart like me and never use tobacco." He says. I think ol' Blaze has been tokin' on some of "dat magic grass."

Big Joe and I stopped at McDonald's in Oklahoma City, on the trip back to St. Louis last weekend. I looked down while I was eating my bacon, egg and cheese biscuit and noticed this guy on my place mat. I burst out laughing when I read the first two lines of type. Nothing like knowing your target audience. It just makes me wonder what clueless A.L.A. cronie came up with this brilliant idea.

When I realized I had a blue post that had nothing to do with the Blues, I folded that place mat up and brought it home with me, so I could share it with the world. Enjoy.

This post made possible by contributions from the following: The American Lung Association and it's cronies, McDonald's(I'm Lovin It), Avis Car Rental(fake plates and all), Big Joe, Fiber, Snuffleupagus, Mike Patton(without Mike there would be no Steph. No reason for her to exist without him), and The Steph(thanks for all the help).

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Monday, February 11, 2008

If # 1 is True, Why Am I Sick?

I like to read articles from every section of, everyday. Today I started by reading about a hockey player from the Florida Panthers getting kicked(unintentionally) in the throat with a skate and getting his carotid artery slashed. From there I moved to the Grammys, from there to an aritcle on flirting. One of the things I do all day long. So when I saw a link that said "10 Funny Flirting Facts", I had to read it. Here they are as presented by Laura Schaefer:

1. Flirting is good for you. Studies show that people who flirt have higher white blood-cell counts, which boost their immunity and keep them healthy.

With as much flirting as I do, it's a wonder I am ever sick.

2. Think it ends at a little eye batting? Hardly—all told, scientists say there are 52 “flirting signals” used by humans. Of these, the hair flip is the most common.

I use that one all the time. If my hair weren't so short it might actually work.

3. In some places, flirting is illegal. In Little Rock, AK, an antiquated law is still on the books warning that engaging in playful banter may result in a 30-day jail term. In New York City, another outdated law mandates that men may be fined $25 for gazing lasciviously at a female; a second conviction stipulates the offender wear a pair of blinders whenever he goes out for a walk.

Do you know how many people would be walking around wearing $25 blinders in NY for cat calls each day, or, how many families would be torn apart in Arkansas, if they followed these laws? The numbers would be astronomical.

4. Why wait for Happy Hour? Lots of people get their flirt on during their morning commute. A full 62 percent of drivers have flirted with someone in a different vehicle while on the go, and 31 percent of those flirtations, it turns out, resulted in a date.

I should have never mooned that guy in S.F. Live and learn.

5. Flirting need not occur face to face. According to Pew Research, 40 percent of people who look for love online say they can easily flirt with someone via email or IM.

See what posting a picture of George Clooney will do for you, guys.

6. In the Victorian era, fans were the ultimate playful prop that could communicate all sorts of messages. A fan placed near the heart meant, You have won my love. A half-opened fan pressed to the lips suggested, You may kiss me. Hiding the eyes behind an open fan meant, I love you, while opening and closing the fan several times warned, You are cruel. Given how much a fan could come in handy, it’s a shame they ever invented air conditioning.

What does it mean when they are fanning themselves rapidly and panting?

7. These days, cell phones do the flirting. In one survey, half of all mobile phone users have texted suggestive messages to keep things interesting while away from their amour.

Guilty. Sorry, Joe. I'll stop.

8. Watch out, you can overdo it. According to the Social Issues Research Centre, the most common mistake people make when flirting is maintaining too much eye contact.

I give em my "serail killer" stare. It's awesome.

9. Sometimes, flirty gestures aren’t what they seem. Research has shown that men tend to routinely mistake friendly behavior for flirting.

Hey, some women take it the wrong way too. That's right. Look, but don't touch, ladies.

10. Flirting is universal. A woman living in New York City and one in rural Cambodia may not have much in common, but when it comes to attracting a little attention, they both employ the very same move: smiling, arching their eyebrows, then averting their gaze and giggling. Animals flirt, too: Birds, reptiles, and even fish have their own way of strutting their stuff. Moral of the story: If the simple sea bass can act cute to enhance a romantic agenda, you can, too—so give it a go!

I knew that Cambodian sea bass I met in New York had a thing for me.

Just thought that was interesting and needed to be shared.

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Sunday, February 10, 2008

Conversations With Canadians and a Fun Song

When Big Joe, Lindsay and I arrived at the American Airlines Center, we met her parents at a bar that is reserved for people with "premier seats". We ordered beer and went out on the patio to drink and hang out in the 70 degree weather. After we had been there for a few minutes, a guy walked out wearing an Edmonton Oilers t-shirt and started up a conversation with Joe and I. He was hilarious. His friend showed up a few minutes later and the four of us ended up bull shitting for about an hour and a half. We all managed to miss the first few minutes of the game. I want to share with you one of my favorite parts of the conversation. There is a selfish reason for this. I want to be able to read back through my posts someday and laugh upon remembering this. The man's name was Shane. We were on the subject of the rivalry between Edmonton and Calgary (pronounced Cal-GARY in western canadian, eh. Not cal-gery).

Shane: When you grow up in Edmonton you learn to hate CalGARY. I am convinced that Jerome Iginla(calgary Flames captain), who is from Edmonton, born and raised, gave a little less effort when they were in the Stanley Cup Finals a few years ago. Just so he could say, "HA!" Like his own personal Fuck You to CalGARY when they lost.

Me: Come on, you don't really believe that. Iginla is one of the classiest players in the league.

Shane: No, but it gives me something to hang onto. He's from Edmonton. We all HATE CalGARY in Edmonton.

I hate everything about CalGARY.

I hate their hockey team, I hate their hockey fans, I hate the city. There is nothing good about CalGARY.

My wife was born and raised in a suburb of CalGARY. I don't hate her. She had no choice in the matter. I hate her parents though. They should have had the sense to move.

That last bit had me rolling. Plus, his friend would end every sentence with, "Eh."

I also have this habit of running into someone I know whenever I go to a hockey game. It happens at every Blues game. It happens when I go watch hockey at the local rinks in town. It has now happened in Dallas. I ran into one of my best friends, friends. Upon entering American Airlines Center, he was the first person I saw in a Blues jersey, walking around. This isn't the first time I have run into someone I know when I was out of town. Once, on a trip to L.A., I ran into one of my old bosses from a factory job, in the airport in Phoenix. He ended up on the same connecting flight to L.A. with me.

Now for a video of my new favorite song and a copy of the lyrics. I heard this song for the first time, on the drive down to Dallas this weekend. I have been hooked.

Time To Pretend By MGMT

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life.
Let's make some music, make some money, find some models for wives.
I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin, and fuck with the stars.
You man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars.

This is our decision, to live fast and die young.
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do.
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute.

Forget about our mothers and our friends
We're fated to pretend
To pretend
We're fated to pretend
To pretend

I'll miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms
I'll miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world
I'll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog and my home
Yeah, I'll miss the boredem and the freedom and the time spent alone.

There's really nothing, nothing we can do
Love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew.
The models will have children, we'll get a divorce
We'll find some more models, everything must run it's course.

We'll choke on our vomit and that will be the end
We were fated to pretend
To pretend
We're fated to pretend
To pretend

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah

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Thursday, February 07, 2008

A Whole Lot O Green

Earlier this week, my friend Big Joe(most of you probably know him. Some of you definitely do. One of you calls him Baby Huey) called me and asked if I wanted to go to a Blues game this weekend. Is an elephant's ass gray(Post Idea!)?! Of course, I'll go to a Blues game. Anyway, the conversation went like this;

Joe: "Hey Larry, wanna go to a Blues game Saturday?"

Me: "Sure. I don't think I have any plans. Let me make sure I don't have any plans."

J: "It's in Dallas. I'm driving down and need someone to ride with me."

Me: "I would love to go, I just have to make sure I'm not forgetting any previous engagements."

Then the conversation moved on. I realized I had told one of my other friends that I would help him clean his drain this weekend. So I cancelled those plans and bought a ticket to the game. This checks off two things on my "bucket list". I have never been to Texas (1) and I want to see a hockey game at every NHL rink, Dallas will now be checked off (2).

Some of you already know what this has to do with green. For the rest of you look below.

I will be outfitted in blue in a sea of green and black. Like the lone, clean water molecule surrounded by filth and decay. I can't wait. It won't be like Philly, where if you show up in another teams uniform you expect to get hassled(at the very least, possibly hurt). I heard they are pretty cool to opposing teams' fans in Dallas. Although, with the team they have, they win more often than not. So, I guess it makes sense.

Next week, blue. I wonder...

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Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Enough Already!

Will someone please tell the morons in Washington that America has so many more pressing issues than cheating in professional sports.

First, Congress puts together what I will refer to as a finger pointing committee, to investigate steroid use in Major League Baseball. To what effect? Hey, did you all hear that Roger Clemens might have used steroids. Great. All the problems that we are having holding our national economy together, and millions were spent so that I can find out that some dickhead, on some sports team might have used an illegal, performance enhancing drug to get a leg up on the competition. It might even be true. Joe's sister's boyfriend's cousin is the trainer at that one gym where Billy's boyfriend works out with Marvin Bernard, and he said Marvin admitted to using, but he quit.

Who is Marvin Bernard, you ask. One of the 89 players who got a big Red White and Blue finger pointed at him in the previously mentioned Mitchell Report. 409 pages of wasted effort, time and other valuable resources that could have been allocated toward something useful. Like, I don't know, how to get some of that $9 Trillion national debt cleared up. Hell, future, world-raping, super power, China holds some $1.4 trillion of that debt, alone. Mostly, on paper. But, when you look at it they still hold countless billions in hard currency. If they dumped just a fraction of their holdings, our economy tanks catastrophically.

Putting all those resources to good use just doesn't make sense to our wonderfully, self-important lawmakers though. Nope, they have to start digging into another professional sport's closet for skeletons. Now, Sen. Arlen Spector(R. PA) wants to investigate why Commissioner Roger Goodell destroyed the "videogate" tapes from the leagues investigation into the early season mess. Hey, Blowhard! WHO. FUCKING. CARES? What are you going to do? Arrest General Belichick, for breaking rule 5167823 b. article 17 a. subsection 23 c, in the NFL rule book. Last I checked, that wasn't punishable by anything more than an arbitrary suspension and/or fine imposed by the same man who decided to destroy the "evidence". Hell, you guys didn't even press any charges on any of the parties named in your previous report. They actually broke the law, if you can prove they were using controlled substances illegally.

Let the sports clean themselves up or face the consequences on their own. We the People, need your help right now. I go to work every day and some of the money I earn pays your inflated salaries. I vote you into office. And, it seems that no matter which hole I punch in the ballot, I always seem to regret it later. Do something constructive, please.

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